February 24, 2017

Date: February 24, 2017

Current Hairstyle: Box Braids (Pink)

Emotional Climate: Good??

Favorite Moment of the Week: Getting my hair done (serving Barbie realness on these hoes!) / Hitting a new PR with weighted squats

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I am happy? I always say this tentatively, but there is a fairly good ratio between good shit and bad shit in my life right now. I have found impenetrable rocks, and the truest love with my friends which makes my heart's panties get a lil wet. I don't think I've felt this loved in my whole life. 

I'm starting to understand the different types of love, and why we hold on to the bad kind for far longer than we should. It ripped me apart, but I've been stitched, stapled and kissed on the forehead by those who truly love me most. It's lit.

My anxiety these days stem from the success of my blog, and just knowing that I could kill it if I put in the effort, but also very terrified of any viral attention this might get me. I'm realizing now the very distinct possibility of ostracism, not by strangers, but by family at the content of my social media platforms, and me in general. 

My mother likes to call me vulgar. Says it as if its a dirty word. As if we as black women have not earned the right to be this way. As if pureness, love, and light cannot exist simultaneously. It is awfully exhausting and disappointing, but I will be myself at any cost. 

I will take all the blows and punches from strangers and kin alike, if it means that I can be a visual representation of girls like me. The vulgar girls, the dirty girls, the messy/slutty/shameless girls. I am on a personal mission of total transparency. I want to be clear and open, and in this way truly believe can achieve immunity to all things negative. I am on my way to total unfuckwithability. 

There's a fire under my ass (that I am apt to ignore, often out of laziness), but something, someone is telling me to push as hard as I can for this. What "this" is I don't know yet. But I'm trying out here. Soft and bleeding, but still here bitch.