July 2, 2017

Date: July 2, 2017

Current Hairstyle: Twist out

Emotional Climate: Apathy in its purest definition ... but somehow also intense mania. Super ideal.

Favorite Moment of the Week: Any moment spent out of sobriety. 

***

Do you ever get tired of yourself? I've been going through periods of being entirely and completely sick of myself. Sick of my looks, sick of my stupid voice, sick of the same complaints I make to my friends about my life, sick of being broke, sick of being confused, sick of being me

I feel like I have been so many people these past few months, that there's no possible way I can only be one person. It makes no sense that there's actually only one of me, and I would like to give a shift of my life away to another me so that I can nap. 

I almost don't even know what to write anymore. Because it's always the same shit. Chloe's always sad, Chloe's still fucked up about her last shitty relationship, Chloe wants to be in love. It's starting to get redundant; it's starting to bore me. 

I am not happy. I feel like I've opened each journal with a specific point on what's making me feel this way, but in it's basic definition I am not.

I hate where I am in life. I want to fast-forward a good 5-10 years. I am constantly caught in a state of instability, whether it be financial, emotional or otherwise. I want to live in a better place, I want to have more money, I want to be with the love of my life, I want a fucking baby.

Problem is, is that everything I want, that I believe will bring me happiness cannot happen, because it is simply not the time for it yet.

So what do I do? I complain, and I cry, and I drink, and I get so high that I think I am happy. 

I don't do anything during these periods of sadness. I feel alone, ugly, stupid, fat and lazy. My rational mind knows that (most of) these things are not true, but my feelings, coupled with my anxiety and depression make that super hard.

So I wallow in my sadness, turn my back on my blog and other creative endeavors, and stay as still as possible waiting for it to pass. 

I can't be funny, which is probably my most profitable angle, and therefore spiral into a mini panic about my lack of success.

Useless, pointless and counter-intuitive, because I will obviously not find very much success by sitting on my ass feeling sorry for myself. Yet I still do it. Isn't that funny? Let's stick in a pin in that issue for now.

I hoard dating apps. Why? Am I hooking up with anyone? Nope. Quite the opposite actually. I ignore most people, until someone messages that I think might have potential to ... ? That part I haven't figured out yet. But every interaction leaves me feeling drained, and wildly misunderstood.

What I have figured out, is that I don't want to fuck n' chuck anymore. The novelty of hooking up wore off very quickly, after my spurt of having meaningless (mostly bad) sex with annoying men who I did not like, and would never entertain a conversation with in real life.

So where does that leave me? At my hearts core I want to be married. In an actual, take-their-last-name-have-their-babies kinda way. I want to be a whole ass wife. I don't care to whom, as long as they love me (and they're good looking, and have a job, and their core and values align with mine, and they want to have kids, and can handle being in a full time partnership with someone like me). Cake, right?

Again, another thing I cannot force. So then why am I STILL trying? I ask myself this at least four times a day, and when I am feeling especially pathetic I stop all together. But then the loneliness sets in, and I just. lose. it. So I drink alone, and get as high as possible, and watch episode and after episode of Intervention. This is what a portion of my "happiness" looks like. 

So I'm just...here. That's it. I'm tired, and honestly didn't think I would even live this long to have to deal with any of this shit. 

Is this what every early twenty-something is going through? For fucks sake, I haven't even finished school yet! Isn't that when everyone else loses it? In that gap between losing your identity as a student, and the scramble to make enough money to avoid crawling back to your moms house? So what in the fuck am I going to do then?

The biggest gag of all, is that moods change like the wind; like the seasons. This, too I know. Which is also why it's maddening to share my feelings with anyone, because every single thing they say is shit I already know. The same shit I tell people when they are in a rut in their lives. 

This adds another layer of loneliness, because there's just no point in sharing how I'm feeling because everyone's responses are A) redundant and B) extremely unhelpful. 

Even writing this out is giving me anxiety. Because it's not alleviating any stress, at all. I'm not even happy with the way I've written this. But I feel it's important to document, so that if I ever am out of this rut, I can look back and see my growth. 

There's very little to this post. Very little that deserves praises, or heart emojis or people being "proud of my transparency". This is just all I have left, honestly. I'm not doing shit.

Life is exhausting, and I'm super not interested in being here where I am so uncomfortable, and feeling so very purposeless. But I have loved ones and family so I'm forced to try. I hate it. I want money, a hammock and a daughter. I want a wedding, a vacation, and to never ever set foot into an educational institution again. I want an open relationship with my mother, I want to come out as queer to my family, I want to be able to be able to afford for my younger brother to live with me when he's a teenager. These all seem impossible, or at the very best extremely unlikely. 

So until then, I'm just here. Just fucking here.