May 2, 2017

Date: May 2,2017

Current Hairstyle: Puff

Emotional Climate: Pissed as shit

Favorite Moment of the Week: Dancing at Crews where all the magic lives

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I write this post with cramped fingers and red eyes from crying in the work bathroom. This morning at 10:11 am, I was able to piece-by-piece write about how I have been feeling in regards to the treatment of the people around me. It was very honest, very raw and beautiful, and was completely gone with a slip of my stupid finger, as I accidentally deleted the whole. fucking. thing. Though I am mourning the loss of my words, I feel obligated to try it again, and will hopefully be satisfied with it the same way I was with the original. My words are clipped because I am angry, but I will hopefully thaw as I continue to write. I will try to avoid recreating my original post, and instead speak as honestly as before, and find my flow from there. 

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As I am right now in this particular time in my life, sexuality and my interactions with those who desire relationships with me (platonic or otherwise) are very prominent in my life. I make a point to be open, honest and raw with every one I meet. I enjoy being this way, and have always lived my life almost completely free of social boundaries and rules about how I should act and be. 

My freedom and openness is my favorite part of myself, and I celebrate it often. Through total transparency I am able to build pure, honest and genuine bonds with those that I love, and those that love me back. I spoke about my own philosophies regarding love and sex in my previous journal post; trying to put into words the way that I think of the two respectively. 

I am incredibly open on social media, I have no problems with being ugly, disgusting, and very personal. I consider myself somewhat of an emotional exhibitionist, in that I am able to find genuine pleasure and joy in baring my soul for the world to see. Split me open and see what is inside; my experiences are universal, and there is nothing more healing than shared human experiences and reflection. I am fortunate  to know myself this intimately at such an age. While I'm sure many things will change as I grow, this is the way that I have always been and will always be.

It is equal parts very easy and very difficult to be the way that I am.

It is easy because this is my true self, and being this way is what comes most natural to me. Restricting and privatizing my experiences is a toxic process to me, and would be the very antithesis of my nature. 

What is difficult about being this open, is that most people are not. This typically sparks two types of reactions: people are interested or people are threatened. Fortunately, those that feel threatened have their feelings fuelled by misogyny and personal insecurity, and I have come to understand that this is not a reflection of me. 

Surprisingly it is those that express and an initial (or otherwise) interest in me that have caused issues. This is specifically seen in men. I exude and talk about sexuality very often, which is often mistaken as an invitation. They add me on snap chat, and see me post pictures of myself, some nude. Because nudity and sexuality have become mutually exclusive for most, this is also mistaken as an invitation. And although I will purposely caption them with words about how my sexuality and nudity have nothing to do with each other, and that nudity and modesty are both equally respectable and powerful things, no one fucking cares. 

There are actors, great pretenders, who come across me, and at first seem to be genuinely interested. They may ask me questions that no one has before, engage in actual conversation, read my blog posts, and seem to see me for who I am. Then out of no where, they figure that they have found their angle, and go in for the kill. At this point it becomes very clear that nothing about me has ever mattered. I accepted vulnerability and rejection as a down side to being the way that I am a long time ago, so I am not upset by this in the way that you think. Not upset that I don't matter to these men, but upset at why they try to seem interested, knowing full well that they will not get what they want out of me.

The mantra is the same with almost every man that approaches me. I let them know the "I-am's" from the very beginning: I am emotionally traumatized and unavailable. I am not interested in sex right now. I am not. the. one. 

In this way, I try to make sure that if any relationship forms, it is formed without the burden of romance or sexuality, and is something pure and genuine. I have tried to make it as clear as possible, that these are the only type of relationships I am interested in.

These men, these "actors" adapt quite well at first, until they see that  snap that I put up, or a post that I make, or an instagram picture of something to do with sex or nudity, and then their true colors come to light. 

At this point it's a double slap in the face. Not only are you reducing me to a hole, but you are silencing me and everything that I have said, just because you see an ass or some tits. 

"But aren't you inviting this type of behaviour?" "Well what do you expect if you're posting things like that?" "Aren't you doing it for attention anyway -  don't you like it?"

If any of these questions crossed your mind while reading this, I need you to understand that you have been conditioned to think this way. It is not my job to teach anyone anything, and I'm not hopeful in the slightest, but I will try to attempt to lift this veil: 

My body, in it's most basic and primary functions is mine. We have been conditioned through television, movies, TV, conversations, music that the female body is inherently sexual. We have also seen the female body almost exclusively through the lens of the heterosexual male. This is why men feel comfortable approaching me (unwarranted) in sexually aggressive ways, as a picture of my butt or tits sparks the thought that it is out there for male attention. The very thought that posting oneself nude automatically makes it ok for men to leer at them further proves this point; we need to let go of the idea that the female body, displayed nude or otherwise, is for the male gaze. Stop. Disconnect.

The attention aspect also falls under the same explanation. The idea that I post myself for male attention is not only wildly incorrect, but is based on the concept of female sexuality as performative for men. It is not true. Understand that there is no natural link between nudity and sexuality. Understand that one's sexuality and personality are not mutually exclusive. Understand that the female body is not for you. Understand that nudity is not a ploy for male attention, but is actually quite freeing and absolutely innocent. 

I don't know how many times I have said this. I am blue in the face; I am tired. For someone that tries very hard to understand and be supportive of others, I myself feel incredibly misunderstood. I am confused as to why people do the things they do. I do not understand why men think it's ok to approach me, even after speaking with them honestly. Your interest in me means nothing if it cannot exist without sexual attraction or gratification. It's not fair that I have to fight so hard to be myself, and constantly be defending and explaining my actions. It feels at times that no one is really genuine anymore, and that is scary. I don't want to be leered at. I don't want your late night messages. I don't want your thin compliments, and subtle chides to return them. I will not be apart of this performance; I will never play this game.

I have much more to say, but I think I am much too sad and tired and still a little upset about my original draft. Hopefully this made some sense, and was able to retain a bit of its beauty. 

 

P.S I'm not straight! And that sentence has never once been meant to be sexy. But that is a rant for another time.