September 10, 2017

Date: September 10

Current Hairstyle: Fro

Emotional Climate: Learning, grateful, creative

Favorite Moment of the Week: Confirming some truths via conversations with my estranged father

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If I live to be forty, I will think of this past summer as one that changed my life. Prior to writing this, I re-read my last journal entry back in July, and was shook. I was so sad, and so focused on the things that I was lacking, and the things that had not entered my life yet. It's crazy, and might seem like hopeful bullshit (and in all fairness, that's a possibility) but I'm a different Chloe than the Chloe I was two months ago.

In the last month or so, I've completely changed my way of living, thinking and just being. I understand truths that I never knew before, and through this knowledge have been able to understand my connection with myself and universe, and somehow managed to forcefully, mercifully pull my head out of my own ass. 

Here are a list of truths that I have discovered recently, in no particular order:

1. Everything in my life, and in the world, is as it is supposed to be. There is no point in holding on to feelings like regret - if something is for you, it will be. 

2. The power of God is within me

3. I am my parents

4. I have the ability and power to speak my own truths, manifest my own dreams and dictate my own life

5. I am safe, protected and will be provided for and successful no matter what

6. I am an artist. I will create, and through my creations can and will do and live every thing and every life that I desire

7. I don't know shit, but what I do know I must understand fully and be open to unlearning and changing and deepening my understanding

8. Lessons and challenges are hard for a reason - meditate and breathe.

9. Stress does not have to be a state of mind 

10. I must "GATHER ALL THAT IS NECESSARY" in order to be my full potential self, and attract my soulmates. This is a life long process. (it's ok if this doesn't make sense to you)

 

I know the exact moment my mindset switched. It was early summer, and I was caught in the temporary but agonizing space between school and work. What this means is that in the two week period I spent studying and writing my exams, I was working very little (in fact, I could only afford to take one week off - I couldn't have the week prior to study. No work in a two week period = no income) and rent completely scraped me. 

On top of that, I fucked up in June and spent a little too much (see: all) of my rent money, which definitely aided my decision to move beginning of July. 

The month of July was a fucking skruggle. I had absolutely no fucking money. By mid-July I had exhausted all of my finances (both overdraft accounts were maxed, as was my credit card and pay-day loans) and I literally had no. money. 

For the first couple of weeks, I was panicked. I could only eat twice a day ($1.30 for a bagel in the morning, $1.35 for a hamburger in the evening), and was in a constant state of stress. In my mind, this made complete sense. Of course I was stressed, I was starving, broke, and could barely enjoy my time off of school because I was working all of the time and didn't have money to do anything fun.

One morning I got to work and was shook because I had spent every cent of the -very little- money I had on food for the week. I still had one more week to go until I got paid, and I had absolutely no food save three packers of very old oatmeal, and a tin of mint tea bags. I remember packing my bag the night before with my oatmeal mug, the satchets and teabags (I could find free sugar packets at work) and feeling... grateful. It was such a tiny, unnaccustomed feeling that I didn't even think very deep into it. All I knew is that these satchets of oatmeal could last me the week if I stretched it, and although I would be hungry, I would not starve. 

Anyway, on that particular morning I got to work early (I cannot stress how extremely rare and surely accidental this was), and the morning staff had forgotten to clean the common space fridge with the food from the meeting before. Biiiiiiitch. I was able to secure both breakfast and lunch that day (dinner? don't know her).

The next day, they brought in coffee and timbits (breakfast, hello!) and got a bunch of roll-up-the-rim cups. I took four. From my cups I won two free pastries, and one free drink, which I used to feed myself for the next day. When I got home that day, I remember sitting on the floor of my dirty little room and feeling the most peculiar sense of tranquility. I described it to friends later as a feeling that I "would be taken care of no matter what", and honestly, I was. I never ended up needing those oatmeal packets.

The second I started being grateful for the blessings in my life instead ofmaking myself miserable thinking about all that I was forced to do without, is the second my life changed forever. 

From that point on, even when I found myself in stressful situations - and I did - I never returned to the place that I was in previous journals. I adopted a few internal mantras that I repeat to myself often: everything is the way it's supposed to be, I am safe and taken care of, and everything will be ok. 

After this shift was made, I was able to learn a lot of new things. I was far too self-absorbed in my own misery before to be open to learning and listening to myself and the universe. I shut up and listened, and in doing so I got the answers that I didn't even know I was desperate to find.

I finally discovered my purpose and identity: a creator, an artist. Of both works of art, and people (though the latter will have to wait many years unfortunately). 

I know it sounds crazy, but I now know everything. And I'll elaborate on that because it's not exactly how it sounds. I obviously don't know everything (in fact I know quite little, truthfully), but what I do know is that all of the answers to my life's questions come from myself. I have all of the answers, and if my connection to the universe, God, angels, guides and whoever else is lookin out, is strong, then I can be a beacon of knowledge about my own life. 

Through this process, I've learned incredible things. I'll list them below (lists are kinda my thing now) 

1. My first son revealed his name to me (I won't tell, sorry!)

2. I am just like my father

3. My success (and wealth) will be found in my creative endeavors (my film projects are giving me a greatttt feeling)

4. I feel my babies! They're not here yet, and won't be for a while, but oh man I feel them. Certain holidays are very sad for me.

5. Repairing the foundation (my parents) are imperative to my healing. My healing is paramount to my happiness. 

6. I have been protected and looked over for a very, very long time. Recent discoveries have revealed that I was being heavily protected during my initial self-realization process back in the winter (again, this doesn't have to make sense to you)

7. I saw my chakra energy, as I stimulated my third eye (this is apparently pretty common, but is cool as shit to me nonetheless)

8. I can manifest anything I want simply by the power of my words, thoughts, and intentions (my first manifestation that came through was money! I was shooketh)

9. I am a very special kind of human being. This is why I feel so misunderstood all the time, and this is why I am the way that I am. I can finally embrace and be grateful for this. 

10. I forgive my ex! Woo-hoo! Releasing myself from the hold of such a horrid situation is an indescribable feeling. I am joy and light. I am love. 

Cool, no?

I mentioned in the second bullet that I recently came to the realization that I am exactly like my father. I found this out in the midst of an awful fight with my mom. Through that fight, and other events that transpired, I came to the understanding that I am both of my parents. 

My connection with my father is completely nonexistent. Even prior to cutting him off, I still knew very little about him, and eventually grew so angry that it didn't matter. However, very lately I have had the deep knowledge that I am exactly like my father in mannerisms, behavior and the lot. However because I don't know who he is, I had no way of corroborating this. 

So, I rid myself of the anger I held on for so many years, and for the first time attempted to contact him  with an open, honest and calm mind and soul. 

Once I opened that channel of communication, I discovered that I was exactly right. And because mending the foundation is something that I now understand to be necessary in living my best life, I have nothing but peace and tranquility in my heart. Even if nothing miraculous comes from this, I already kick-started the healing process by ridding myself of toxic emotions. 

There's still sooo much to learn, and truthfully although this has changed my life, there are still anxieties that I still have to work through as best as I can. 

But I'm trying, you know?

Thank you for reading this, I love you guys.

 

I'm on my way - y'all coming?