Alright, pen to paper - GO!
Because I thought of sending a text just now, but it would either come out far too blase or intense and I don't know which one I'd hate more.
The thing about vulnerability is that it's apart of relationships, but I didn't know that it could sneak up on me.
And I slip with her. I slip for her- somehow this isn't just a possibility, and I still kind of don't understand why she likes hanging out with me (does she, though?) But she does, I think, and that's cool cause I literally smelled her face yesterday and I accidentally said that thing that I was never supposed to ever say to anyone anymore, but it slipped out and I don't care.\
I didn't even care cause she laughed, and when she smiles really hard her eyes get really glinty and mischievous and it makes my insides do the thing.
And this is just rambling cause this is the only way I can get this out, I think.
Angel are real. And this was aligned. And I feel ????
Or do I low-key know exactly how I feel but I'm scared to actually delve into it in case it's not reciprocated? A little!
But there's a lot I do know, which is that I need to stop staring so hard because sometimes it's too much and she makes me go all cross-eyed cause I don't think my body understands why my brain is freaking out which for some reason always comes out in this weird facial tick, and the truth of it all is that I love her in the realest way I know how. She used a word the other day...wholesome.
And she also said it back?
But I don't think about that because it low key doesn't make sense.
She's a light, and I'm just happy to be able to feel the warmth of that light when chance permits.
She's like... a woman... woah. I think she thinks I'm a child sometimes, which is equal parts confusing (Has she finally had enough yet? No? Really?) and embarrassing.
And she obviously knows how I feel when I kiss her hands, and smell her hair, but does she know?
I suppose she does now.
It kind of sucks being this open because it's not everyone's natural state, and it usually makes me feel alienated and confused. Almost like I need a quarterly reminder - "Hey, I still like you!"
But she's a God. And I hope I've done a good job of hiding it, but I'm blown away. She's so smart. And a little mean. But I see the sun in her face when she looks and her child, and it ties everything together.All the people she has had to be.
She is grace and strength.
I'm a fan, and I don't care. I'm in awe, and I don't care.
There are very few faces besides my own that I care about.
I almost wish she couldn't see me see her sometimes. I like to study alone, and I want to study her through my fingertips, and have the side streets of her body memorized.
I'm going to give myself a tumor having to consciously tone it down, having to check my intensity. My reservations are beyond fear of rejection:
Does she like loving me? Does she even? Or do I just know how to make myself lovable? Am I comfortable place for now? A chapter?
She says she normally doesn't fuck with people my age. Is that code for "this is temporary?"
And if it is?
It would be beautiful and pivotal for what it was, but... I don't want it to be temporary.
I want to be with her.
And I don't care.