twenty sixteen

*scribbled on paper. July 1 of last year. 

 

Who am I?

Who? W h o ?

 

I wish that cupid never shot me with his arrow, cause now I'm bleeding out and it won't stop

I wish the love bug never bit me, because the venom has spread and I can't feel my legs

I wish I never caught the fever, cause I'm breaking 109 and my mouth feels really funny

 

Did you poison me?

Who sent you?

Why are you doing this?

I will never understand, so I ask you again and again and I kiss you until my lips crack and they're bleeding but I can still taste it and it's fucking acid and there's holes in my throat and oh my God I just want to feel

fucking

sane

 

Do you understand how long these words have been trying to climb up the inside of my throat?

They have been festering inside of me and the maggots begin to crawl and maybe this is premature but I can FEEL again, just by pressing pen to paper

 

Why did you make me stop?

Was it even your fault?

Was this me?

 

Sometimes I think I'd rather d i e than hurt you not because I love you

but because I can't be the one to hurt you

I cannot be you I cannot be you Icannottbeyou

 

I cannot do it.

So I stay.

 

And it's what I want but it hurts so bad that I can't see sometimes

I need air but the only thing I want to survive on is your fucking breath

 

Who sent you?

Who sent you?

 

When will you hurt me again?

Because you will.

And if you are then LEAVE PLEASE

 

Why do I want to cry? Was this an accident?

Why do I miss those days so much even though you gouged my eyes out, and watched me look for them on the carpet?

 

Why am I writing this?

Could I even show this to you?

Am I that selfish?

Do I finally love myself more than you?

 

You already know the answer to that and so do I and

it makes me want to vomit and howl at the same time

 

Why are these shards e v e r y w h e r e ?

Please let me be free

Please release me

Where did you come from?

Is this even real?

Why is this agony?

 

Why is this the only thing that I want WHY do I want this so bad

 

I don't know who I am anymore.

No one does.

Can everyone see it? Can they? Why won't anyone help me? Can't they see?

Why the fuck am I so fucking lonely why am I like this

 

It hurts, but I pretend it doesn't

But everyone knows.

Why am I so o o ooo pathetic?

How can I stop? I hate it.

Help me.

Who am I even talking to?

 

                                                                                      *2016